I have problems. But who doesn't? One's life is full of problems. They appear they disappear. Some linger for a long time. For years. Some are solved or resolved quickly. My current problems are not huge. In fact they all revolve around my current state of mind. My psyche. I am not doing things these past few months with the vim, vigor, and enthusiasm as I usually do. For example, I have pretty much been absent on Face Book. My ads for wedding photography and guitar lessons on Craig's list have been almost non existent. My blog posts have almost stopped. Doing projects around the house have been slow to get off the ground. They are taking me longer to finish. Overall it's the enthusiasm for every day life that has been lacking.
There is a reason for it and I think it goes back to October 2014 to the death of my brother Thomas. When people close to us die it has an effect upon us. I am still riding the storm out in my mind. The passage of time is what helps. Distance. Life continues relentlessly for the living after an event like that occurs. Things happen to push the event backward in your mind. For instance, my sister C in Arizona had her house vandalized a few weeks ago. It was a very traumatic experience for her. Back in October Thomas' death was a traumatic event. I have not spoken to her specifically about this, but let us assume that Tom's death has been on her mind for all this time. Slowly taking a back seat, but still there. An event like have her house broken into and vandalized most certainly gives her a new event to focus on. Pushing Tom further back in her mind. Her memory. Which is where it should go.
For me a good friend of mine, Larry, died on May 12th. His death now occupies my thoughts more than those thoughts of brother Thomas. But that's not exactly a welcome thing. I would rather have Larry still around and rather have Thomas still around. In fact, having two people close to me die in a 7 month or so period is a bummer. Add to that the store I was teaching guitar at for the past 5 years closed and with it a most pleasant chapter in my life.
But here is what I know: Sooner or later my psyche will be back to normal. In fact it's all ready occurring because I am taking time out to write all of this and post it to this blog.
My father's death at age 56 was particularly traumatic. for those who do not know I will tell you straight out that he committed suicide. He shot himself in the head on a hot August afternoon. It took me 10 years to be able to acknowledge that and talk about it. Some 6 months or more after he died I was talking to a friend about some trouble I was having. This person knew my father and how he died. Anyway, the crux of it was this person told me I was still in shock over Dad's death. I thought that was ridiculous. Months had passed. In fact I never thought I was in shock at all. Then one afternoon I was sitting in my car and a feeling passed over me. A feeling of lightness. It suddenly seemed as if the Sun got brighter. A few minutes later another wave seemed to wash over me and I felt lighter. The day seemed brighter. Wave after wave began washing over me. I have done a lot of scuba diving in my life and I can compare it to swimming to the surface of the St. Lawrence River after being to a depth of 100 feet. At that depth it is dark. You can still see, but it's much darker that the surface. But that's what it felt like. I was rising from a great depth that I had no idea I was in. Suddenly I realized my friend was right. I had been in shock for all those many months. (Is it shock or depression?) Doesn't matter. Anyhow, I know this feeling will pass. I have been swimming in some great depths but am slowly rising to the surface.
I love you all out there. I love God. I love my family. Just the act of writing this makes me appreciate my life so much I could almost weep with joy.
